Meroyan

Assalamualaikum hi there. Yesterday I was feeling a bit down. Actually it's been months macam ni. I think since I quit work. I have 'so much time' in my hands so banyak guna that time to feel bad about myself lol. What I did yesterday was I binge-watched Aida Azlin's videos before Maghrib and then after Isyak. Dalam pukul 10 macamtu, I continued reading Talk to Allah pulak. Then it's time to sleep. That's when I cried. I was mad at Allah. Aku cakap dalam hati "Ya Allah, can't you see I'm hurting ? Can't you see I've had enough ?" I kept repeating those words and was sobbing silently because mama was beside me. Nasib baik mama was not in the mood for our usual bedtime small talk semalam.

I was just tired man. Tired of this self-pity which has been going on for years. Yes, people, years. Ever since I quit college in 2013, I would always find time to blame myself for the (biggest) decision I made when I was 19. Entahlah, I just couldn't forgive myself up until now. Of course I don't talk about it, and even when I do, I don't specifically relate it to the quit-college-thingy. But deep down, I know, this is the reason why I feel so worthless.

Was on the phone with kakak for one hour and I told her that I wanna make a one-minute videos. It's kinda a thing now in Malaysia. People would give their opinions in a span of one minute and I think that's kinda cool because people's attention span nowadays are getting shorter (even I myself). I mean, do you guys still read news ? Many of us would just read the headlines and spread it and jump to conclusions right ?

But as I am so fucked up right now, I was reconsidering doing photography pulak. Hadoi. Nak buat apa sebenarnya ni ?! I don't know guys. I can't work at bakeries or any fast food restaurants anymore because of the working hours. My only option is to work 9-5, and honestly and seriously, from the bottom of my heart, I don't want that life.

I want to work from home. I want that time freedom. I probably have to work more than 8 hours, but I don't care, I wanna stay at home ! I wanna be my own boss ! I wanna be like Aida Azlin ! Please ya Allah...which is why I thought making videos is a good option. Tapi ni photography pulak...bagus jugak...jual gambar kat shutterstock, haha padehal this idea dah pernah pikir long time ago, cuma I didn't start. Well, I did...signed up my email lol.

Lepastu tetiba fikir, hey baby, don't you think you have so much on your plates already ?
1. Hafazan
2. Personal blog 
3. Gratitude blog 
4. Editor for Pakistan book series 
5. Food writing
6. Learning Japanese and Korean

All these 6 things sebenarnya I need to do everyday tau. Imagine spending 1 hour for every list above. That's already took 6 hours of my time ! Subhanallah mashaallah baby. You have so much things to do lah. Why do you always end up sleeping ? Hahaha. Haih. Entahlah. Maybe sebab none of the above give me money, so I feel slightly demotivated walaupun I love doing those things so much. Faham kan perasaan saya ?

Sorry lah harini banyak sikit tulis. Serabut sangat kepala so I need to let it all out. Ya Allah I think this is it. I'm gonna focus on these 6 things, and okay lah, I'll add photography to my list. Saje kan cuba. Mane tahu ada rezeki. Videos pun nak buat jugak eventually insyaAllah.

Just now after I told akak about my worry because not working, had to depend on others financially, akak tetiba cakap "Baby, apa kata kau fokus je kuruskan badan tu dulu ?" to which I replied "Laaaah memang tengah diet la ni", but what she said next hit me. "Yes, focus control makan kau tu dulu. Kalau kau dah boleh control makan, insyaAllah, kau boleh control emosi, and masa tu dah boleh kerja. Kalau makan pun tak boleh control, tak payah lah fikir nak kerja." Terdiam kejap sebab tak sangka kakakku yang bengong boleh mengeluarkan kata-kata yang bernas hahahahahaha. Guess what happened lepas tu guys ? Aku makan nasi banyak ! LOL.

Tau tak apa salah satu nikmat yang kau tak boleh dustakan ? Nikmat buang air besar. Pergh, nikmat. (Tiberrr sebab baru lepas berak)

So gitu lah cerita dia. Aku ni jenis cepat distract tau. Contoh when I blog. Tajuk aku mesti tak selari dengan apa aku tulis. Ada lah juga kene mengena tapi tahlah, I get distracted a lot. Patutnya kali ni punya post tajuknya "Last day of my life" and I should be writing about what I wanna do for the last 24 hours of my life. But here I am, whining, because I pronto need it seriously man.

Cukup lah tu kot for now. Kalau tak cukup malam nanti sambung lagi hahaha. Malam ni ade kelas hafazan guys. Kena murajaah Al-Mutaffifin depan ustaz errr seram nihhhh. Until then. xoxo.

Love,
Bie